Happy Friday: Ballroom Blitz

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The first trailer for Suicide Squad featured Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” while the latest trailer for the movie features The Sweet’s “Ballroom Blitz.” Both excellent songs, and both predominately featured in Wayne’s World. Is this a coincidence, or could it be a hint to a Wayne and Garth cameo? Probably a coincidence because obviously and because Wayne and Garth would not fit in the dark, humorless, DC murderverse. But that might be fun, like the time Batman and Robin helped Scooby Doo solve a mystery. The real question here is: were Batman and Robin so hard up they needed the help from Mystery Inc, or were all the real crimes in Gotham solved so the dynamic duo could take the time for the usual Scooby gang bullshit? What the hell am I even talking about any more? To hell with it. Enjoy your Friday. Party on.

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At the end of Naughty By Nature’s “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright (Ghetto Bastard)” Treach offers the warning, “If you ain’t ever been to the ghetto/Don’t ever come to the ghetto/cause you wouldn’t understand the ghetto/And stay the fuck outta the ghetto.” Treach was hoping to keep violence from happening to people who think the ghetto was some kind of novelty to be visited. But many have essentially taken these lyrics as a battle cry against gentrification. Hoping to save their neighborhoods from Whole Foods, Starbucks, and other stuff white people like. It seems to be working. So heed the advice of Treach to stay out of such areas and maybe instead do the opposite of the words of Jimmy Pop, “If you ain’t ever been to the suburbs/don’t you ever come to the suburbs/cause you wouldn’t understand the suburbs.”

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One of the ways to travel around New New York is through a system of tubes. Similar to the tubes at the drive-up part of banks, but with humans instead of those containers. We are getting slightly closer to that reality as a hyperloop track deal is being made and tested in some Nevada desert. Honestly though, if I could have anything from the world of Futurama it would be those parasitic worms that heal Fry’s insides, because that’s what I need more than being places as quick as possible. Also, I like this footage from the test demonstration because it reminds me of super hero movies. The hyperloop is about to malfunction and give rise an evil guy who will destroy the city in a misguided attempt to avenge a loved-one wrongfully killed by the hyperloop. This is already better than the bullshit they did with Rhino in The Amazing Spider-Man 2. And let’s face it, if anyone has the means to be a powerful super villain, it’s Elon Musk.

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This is one of the greatest times to be a beer drinker. There are craft breweries galore, and if you can name a flavor there’s probably a beer that fits. Which means if you’re not a fan of beer, there is a good chance to find one you may like. So how do you attempt to compete with all the options? If you’re one of the largest beer companies you do the logical thing of changing the wording on your cans and bottles. No time to try out unique tastes; just pander to people’s patriotism. Garbage in a pretty can is still garbage.

Meanwhile in Bruges (that’s in Belgium), a brewer looking for a way to transport his beer more efficiently through the tight, congested streets took a cue from subterranean dwellers and created a beer pipeline. Growing up in Golden, CO we had these and they carried Keystone Light right to our kitchen taps.

One last thing about beer. Here’s what each state tends to drink the most of, in terms of beers. They don’t really mention how they calculated these, so I don’t fully trust it. Also, what the hell is up with Indiana? “They go wild over Corona, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Heineken, and Coors Light.” Is Indiana entirely composed of dive bars? Do the ones who order Heineken get made fun of for being “fancy?”

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It’s always good to have food with beer as to keep from becoming a sloppy, gross, mess. I realize all those words basically mean the same thing, but that’s just how bad you can get. And by now you should know when I talk about food in Happy Friday it’s probably going to be about tacos or cereal. Today it’s cereal. But I’m feeling wild and am expanding it to breakfast foods in general. After all, it is the most important meal of the day, but where did that notion come from? Oh, cereal advertising of the 40’s. They had to make sure people would give up their morning oysters for corn flakes. Corn flakes were still trying to shake their shadowy sanatorium past. Breakfast has an exciting history and the Trix Rabbit, Tony the Tiger, and Toucan Sam never even tried to teach us any of it. It’s like all they care about it is money and sugar highs. Those cartoon bastards! Oh, I can’t stay mad at them.

Maybe your preferred breakfast is some kind of glazed goodness, also known as a doughnut. Well, I have some news about those too. Not a history lesson, but rather the future of the ring of sugar. I don’t think I’m trying hard enough to come up with other names for doughnut. But that doesn’t matter as Krispy Kreme has created automated teller machine for doughnuts. Or perhaps it’s more of a vending machine for doughnuts. I feel that’s not really the important part here. There’s a machine where you can get actually Krispy Kreme doughnuts allowing you to avoid interacting with people.

Or perhaps you’re more of the healthy fruit breakfast type. Or you just like videos of people eating bananas. I’m not one to judge. If that is your thing (again, no judgement) then I recommend not moving to China as they do judge you for that and have banned such videos. Of all the videos to take issue with, these would be very low on my list. But I like bananas, and dislike censorship.

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Speaking of super hero movies. I know I didn’t just speak of them. But I did earlier. What do you mean that’s not how segues work? You’re not my supervisor! I saw Captain America: Civil War last week and I loved it. Spider-Man done right. But I realize many of you have the kind of obligations that keep you from attending movies that don’t involve animated animals dancing like jack-asses and singing catchy songs. So for you, here’s a great condensed version of the movie. They nailed it, and don’t worry about spoilers, they won’t ruin anything.

And remember the Deadpool movie I wouldn’t shut up about a couple of months ago? Well it got the Honest Trailer treatment. And because Ryan Reynolds fully understands the character, when asked to be a part of it he agreed and it is perfect. Also, I just bought the Blu-ray. First time in years I bought a movie to own the day it became available. It’s not only as good the second time, but there were several jokes I missed that made it better. If you haven’t seen it yet, put the kids to bed and make it happen.

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It’s music festival season so I offer this PSA: Sublime with Rome is not the same thing as Sublime. MC Lars can elaborate further on this.

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You know those Viking helmets you drunkenly wore in Vegas when you were 23? Turns out Vikings didn’t actually wear those. So why do we associate them with Vikings? I blame Elmer Fudd, and the Minnesota Vikings. But as the horned helmets myth gets debunked, we often forget to question the debunkers and where their information comes from. I like putting this near the end to make you think about the articles you’ve already read and question their validity. Now you can waste more time by cross checking all the things you read. Assume all things are like Scooby Doo villains, ulterior motives disguised as ghouls.

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The Only Show That Matters opened last week. It was fun and went well. But I couldn’t help but notice the lack of many of you, my loyal readers. But don’t worry, you still have three more chances to see the show. The next one coming up on Wednesday May, 18th. Then May 25th, and closing night is June 1st. Buy your tickets online and save a couple of dollars. It would mean a lot to me if you came. We even made a trailer. Check it out, get your tickets, and enjoy a night out. Once all the tickets are sold I’ll stop promoting it. So if you’re tired of this, you’re best bet is to buy some tickets and come to the show.

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I wonder if Mr. Doughnut Man is available in the Krispy Kreme doughnut machine.

mr doghnut man

Or do I have to wait for Stan Mikata’s to do a doughnut machine?

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