Ketchup Soup

I think that's Gordon Ramsay on the end
I think that’s Gordon Ramsay on the end

Last week I was reminded of the “Make 7UP Yours,” ad campaign of the early aughts. It was clever, humorous, and mildly edgy. I approve of it and it shows not all advertisers are dumb and out of touch. Or you know, the opposite of whoever is making the latest batch of Arby’s commercials. In this edition of ad-hate I’m breaking down my issues with 3 of the TV spots currently apart of Arby’s latest campaign.

Let’s start with this one about the Ruben. Marsellus Wallace, apparently needing money after having had too many boxers not follow through on their dive, does the voice over here as he describes what is involved in a Ruben. Then he thinks that combing these things is “cray cray.” First using “cray cray” when you’re not a tween, or solely targeting tweens, is super annoying. I could be wrong here, but I doubt there is a big tween market for Rubens. Maybe kids these days are all about sauerkraut. They are a weirdo generation.

Why does he think it’s so crazy for someone to have combined these things in the first place? I’m not really a fan of sauerkraut, but even I think the combination of corned beef, sauerkraut, and marble rye is the proper combination. All those flavors and tastes obviously go together. Here’s the other thing, if you have bread and any other kind of food, especially meats, cheeses, and dressings, you’re going to make some kind of sandwich. So combining anything into sandwich form is completely normal. And normal is the opposite of crazy.

I will agree that it was nuts for someone to eat eggs for the first time, and that we still do. I mean eggs are good and very useful, but when you really think about them, it is weird and gross.

Next up to bat is the antipasto salad. In voice over, Luther Stickell has the impossible mission of making us believe Arby’s was going to start selling an antipasto salad. They’ve done nothing but sandwiches and curly fries for decades, there’s no way they’re doing antipasto. What I think they don’t get about this commercial is how it makes them look dumb and inept at what they do. We spent months, months, trying to make antipasto but we ended up making a sandwich. When it comes to the easiest things you can make, sandwiches is like third, after cereal and toast. But it took them months to realize they aren’t making antipasto but this sandwich. “Ok, let’s make antipasto. We need cold cuts, bread, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, peppers, mayo, oh and Italian dressing. Now slice that bread in half and stack all that other stuff between the two slices. Bam! Antipasto!” “Uh, no. Pretty sure you made a sandwich. Those things we have been making for like 50 years, you dumbass.”

The final commercial, and the one that drives me the most nuts. In what is probably punishment for his part in a jail break, Diamond Dog does voice over stating that if this Arby’s sandwich isn’t on the Italian flag, then they should call the Pope to rectify such an oversight. I’m not opposed to a country’s flag having a sandwich on it. I actually support that idea. But calling the Pope to make that happen in Italy is wrong for so many reasons. The current Pope is from Argentina, and currently resides in Vatican City. Which, while found surrounded by Italy, is its own country. It has its own flag, and has nothing to do with Italy. Additionally, the Pope is a religious figure and would have no part in the changing of a flag for a government-run country. Especially when it isn’t even a country he is directly a part of. Finally. I think there is some commandment thing about worshiping God above all else, and this seems like Arby’s wants to worship this sandwich as some kind of false idol. Not sure that would go over so well with the Pope. All these things make me angry for being so misguided. Every part of this commercial makes we want to channel Morbo and just scream, “POPES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOOD NIGHT!”

Get your act together, Arby’s. Right now I like your commercials less than those dorks from Sonic, and those guys are the assbag deluxe, also known as an Arby’s combo number 8.

I may have been mistaken
I may have been mistaken

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