Happy Friday: Shimmy Shimmy Ya

Doin' the Friday happy dance
Doin’ the Friday happy dance

“From city to city, coast II coast, Friday night is the night they like to party the most (all night, y’all.)” While these immortal words from Tha Alkaholiks may be true in your twenties, it’s hardly the case when you’re 33 and all your friends have kids. But it is still Friday, and we still want to have fun. So we will party in a more responsible and reasonable adult way: by wasting company time looking at unrelated web links. Crazy, I know. But Lodi Dodi, we likes to party. I’m sorry, I have been listening to hip-hop almost exclusively this week. So, here we go, yo; here we go, yo. What’s the, what’s the, what’s the scenario?

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Video games these days are intense. I play Assassins Creed III and I can only play so long before some motion sickness kicks in. It really makes those old Atari games look like shit. Just blocks moving around. But what’s even weirder is among all those Atari games there is one considered by far the absolute worst. If you’re familiar with video game lore, or urban legends, or the internet, then you probably know I’m talking about the infamous E.T. video game. A game considered so bad Atari felt their only option was to bury all remaining copies. Seriously, where did that idea come from? Was there a former mob boss working there? Did someone just take the phrase, “bury the problem,” too literally? I’m off track here. I don’t have answers about the guy responsible for deciding to bury video games. But what about the guy, the game designer, responsible for the game in the first place? And this set in motion a curse that would make all movie video games and video game movies utter flops.

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You know what goes great with playing video games? Cereal. Then again I think cereal goes great with everything. Pretty much the world’s most perfect food, just don’t tell tacos I said that. But it seems these damn kids, or “millennials,” would argue otherwise. And it’s not so much because they don’t realize how delicious and amazing cereal is, but rather it’s too much damn work to clean the bowl after eating cereal. I’m pretty lazy, but what the absolute fuck is this? I don’t want to be the old man complaining about youths, but they’re not making it easy.

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Well if I’m going to be acting like an old man I better start speaking the part, consarn it! Obviously it’s most important to begin with old timey swears. It seems list like these pop up every other month, and almost none of them are the same. It’s amazing to see just how many words we don’t use any more. I wonder what words we’re using now that will fall out of fashion and end up on some such list in the future. The millennials’ grand-kids will mock us and our shit sipping words. G. Rover Cripes, the youths of youths are total buttfors.

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I hope there’s a special edition of Deadpool that features an all old timey swears version. That would be aces. I would shell out extra for that Blu-Ray. It would make sense if you agree with Richard Brody’s notion that Deadpool is not-unlike Bogart, and other such classic figures who epitomize masculine badassery. Now I’m just picturing Deadpool telling Ilsa to get on that plane. And telling Scarlett he doesn’t give a damn. Oh I could just go on and on with Deadpool in classic movie roles. I wonder if they need any more writers for the sequel.

And because I’ve basically been reading all things written about Deadpool, I came upon this gem which is actually more about the importance of structured violence. Then again, as one who watches violent movies, UFC, and the WWE this article is preaching, loudly with fists, to the choir, a choir screaming murder-death-kill.

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Another one of those badass masculine men is Gregory Peck. And he was at his best as Atticus Mothafuckin Finch. Fun fact, an early draft of the book actually had that as his middle name. I read To Kill a Mockingbird one summer because I was looking for a book to read on a road trip. Then I got to read it again that fall in school. It was the first time I ever read an adult book twice. But we all know how great it is, and we can see how much it was loved by all the times it was alluded to in other forms of pop-culture. It’s also the reason I call any dismantling of furniture, “busting up the chifforobe.”

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I like the show Seinfeld, and Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, but I don’t much care for Jerry Seinfeld’s stand up. Though if all his sets involve surprise guest appearances like Steve Mothafuckin Martin (fun fact, he was given that middle name in honor of Atticus Finch) I may have to start attending Jerry’s mundane observations. Just goes to show that even if you’re born a poor, black child you could open for Jerry “What’s the Deal” Seinfeld.

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Have you been thinking about video games since I brought them up at the start of this article? You can admit it. This is a safe place. Video game addiction is just another new addiction we have to live with. But don’t fret, there are options. Mainly a place that strikes me as a hippie commune fucked by a frat house, but as long as people are attempting to better their lives I’m not going to judge. Or maybe it’s just because my only experience of rehab facilities comes from movies. Either way this is all new and fascinating. Makes me happy I’m lousy at games and will usually stop playing when I get really stuck on a part. My short comings are actually benefiting me for once. In your face, space coyote!

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I’m going to watch more ice hockey played on a baseball field so this week’s tattoo is in honor of that.

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Keep your stick on the ice.

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