Happy Friday: Colossal Youth

1,2,3, and to the 4 AH AH AH
1,2,3 and to the 4 AH AH AH

From what I understand about prison (based on TV and movies) is the people in charge aren’t supposed to let you die until it’s time for your execution, if you’re on death row. I’ve also been led to believe there is a last meal, but that may actually be false. Well, I mean technically there’s a last meal, there’s always a last meal. But how much time exists between this last meal and the execution? And what happens if you order something you’re deathly allergic to? Like anaphylactic shock type allergy? If you’re going to the chair in like 4 hours, but that peanut sauce is doing the job early, are they going to slam that EpiPen into your thigh? Maybe this is why they don’t actually do special order last meals. It’s definitely why you shouldn’t ask what I’m thinking. It’s just stupid questions about unimportant shit. If I had a food allergy I would include it in my last meal just to see what I had been missing out on. It must be Friday, because I’m rambling. Let’s try to quell this word vomit with some links.

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Back in my day, every night of partying started with shots of Jägermeister. Apparently this new generation has replaced Jäger with Fireball. I’ve gotten too old that just reading the words Jägermeister and Fireball make me gag a little. But because Jäger is losing market share in the shots category, perhaps it’s time to consider Jäger cocktails. I don’t recommend the Jonny X Gin n’ Tonic. It’s basically a combination of whatever he feels like grabbing from the liquor cabinet, Jäger, and some lime juice. If you do get one, be sure to share it with everyone present. Misery loves company.

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The government is keeping tabs on teenagers. Probably because, like My Chemical Romance, teenagers scare the living shit out of them. Or you know, teenagers are the future and they want to make sure we’re leaving things in capable hands. Either way. But what we’re seeing is teens are doing less drugs, booze, and sex than previous generations. They don’t mention any reason these things are down, but I suspect it’s because they’re distracted by smartphones. It can be difficult to most of those things without putting your phone down.

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The notion we have of time is such an odd abstract which we have all accepted as the norm. Before the railroad system, we had no reason to be on a uniform schedule and nearby towns were often on different times. Now that we operate in a global economy, and are rarely reliant on trains, maybe it’s time we do away with the different time zones. At least that’s some thinking going on by people in charge of such things. Governments is what you would call people in charge of such things. Nearly everyone complains about Daylight Saving Time, so I can imagine this would go incredibly smoothly and everyone will be completely happy about it.

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Last week I included the song “Slam” by Onyx. Getting that video sent me down a Youtube rabbit hole of 90’s hip-hop, and like every Beastie Boys video. I came across what I thought was a unique appearance on David Letterman. But listening to all these Beastie Boys songs I realized they say their names a lot in all of their songs. I would like to see a chart chronicling all the times they use “MCA,” “Adrock,” and “Mike D” in their lyrics. I guess I found a new weekend project.

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We’ve definitely reached the point where we are not fucking around with concussions. Football players, hockey guys, and pro wrestlers are all retiring early before concussions can really get the best of them. One of the most recent to throw in the towel is one of my favorite wrestlers, Daniel Bryan. And because Sportscenter needs more content, they talked to Brock Lesnar about Bryan and concussions. Brock has some good things to say, but the line, “I can’t even count on both my hands the amount of concussions I probably had and didn’t even know,” has me wondering if he can’t count them because the concussions are too numerous, or because they have caused him the inability to count? Was that too insensitive? YES! YES! YES!

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“Now you see the problem with water beds is they have waves, like this. Right? But you see this water-bed is special, you see, it has NO waves.”

“Why didn’t you just get a normal bed…with no waves?”

“But this HAS no waves.”

This article asks whatever happened to water-bed. As someone who used to have one I can tell you that as much fun as they were, they were a bitch to move, and you needed to heat them so it needlessly added to the energy cost, and god forbid you have pet (read: a cat) and the thing gets punctured. That happened once, not fun and I was forced to sleep on the sofa until we could get a proper patch or new mattress. Also, most apartments charge a water-bed fee, in case something happens and the water fucks everything up. And, you can’t jump on them like real beds. The pros to cons ratio here clearly favors the latter.

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This weekend is the tenth annual Geek Bowl. A giant competition of pub trivia. And it has made its way back to the Mile High City. However, I won’t be participating. While I wish I could take a test for fun with my friends, I’m not upset because I will be watching college hockey outside. Boo hoo hoo. I can’t do one fun thing because I’ll be doing a different fun thing. First world problems, I know. But I want to wish my friends, The Nucular Quizzcists, the best of luck! Drink the Muppet after birth and go kick some geek ass, you nerds!

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Totally…

I would have gone with "ZAwesome"
I would have gone with “ZAwesome”

Saucesome!

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