Happy Friday #1.19 Nice Hanukkah Bush

You can find this costume in the Hate Crime section.
You can find this costume in the Hate Crime section.

Last year I did all my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve, because apparently I’m a sitcom dad. This year all my Christmas shopping is done, save for a few perishable type items and one thing I had to order online. The difference this year? More free time. Easy to get motivated to go shopping when my routine needs a shake-up, and I can go while most people are working. Though the art supply store was pretty busy, it’s almost like art doesn’t conform to the 9 to 5 world. But wait, Dolly Parton is an artist and she was in a movie called 9 To 5. What does it all mean? It means I draw asinine conclusions and need to stop thinking.

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I never had any Jewish friends growing up. I barely have any now. But as such I never got to attend a bar or bat mitzvah. Nor did I have the opportunity to learn about Hanukkah aside from the eight candles thing and dreidels. But that one seemed like a fun game and it had a song. So instead of learning first hand, and not wanting to do any actual research, I just went about learning like I always do, from movies and TV (mostly from the Holiday Armadillo and Hanukkah Harry). Since Hanukkah was this past week, or is still going on. Let’s see 8 days, it started on the 6th, today is the 11th… I know even less about math than I do Hanukkah, so let’s say yes(?) it’s still happening. But it’s high time I start to learn more of this winter holiday. Latkes and gelt at my house this time next year*!

*Approximately. Wacky lunar calendar.

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Have you guys seen Creed yet? Yeah, me neither. But I hear it’s pretty good. However, what I understand is that the more interesting aspect of the film isn’t Apollo Creed’s son, you know, the guy from the title; but rather the aging Rocky Balboa. That makes sense, we spent 6 other movies watching the roller coaster that is his life. We want to see what happens in these final years when the only person left in his life is the son of the guy who kicked his ass. Even though I haven’t seen Creed here is what I recommend before going: watch all the Rocky movies, maybe except for Rocky V, but you do you. And if you have Netflix, they’re all available to stream! But if you don’t have Netflix, what’s wrong with you? Who doesn’t have Netflix in this day and age? Or if you have better things to do than watch Stallone for 12 hours (your life is probably more fulfilling than mine) you can watch his training montages condensed into a more time friendly 15 minutes. Oh and some fitness experts discuss the merits of his exercise choices. Spoiler, they’re all pretty legit.

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In case 15 minutes (or 12 hours) isn’t enough Stallone for ya, here he is in a bunch of photos reminding everyone that he played a boxer. 28 years of doing this shit.

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Despite commercial skipping DVRs and ad-free satellite radios, we actually live in a time of advertising glory. They say most people have two to three screens going at the same time. We have more spaces for ads and companies know this. I say this as I realize my page is actually devoid of ads, but think about how many you see just from all the links you click here. My point is there are a ton and it’s easy to get an ad seen. But apparently teens, the youth that’s supposed to be more tech savvy, are making things even easier for advertisers by being ignorant. A new study shows teens can’t tell the difference between legit Google search results and Google ads. I struggle with basic math, but I can I see an orange box labeled “Ad’ and decipher the link title as an ad. Oh crap, I just became an old person, complaining about youths. Guess I’ll spend the weekend watching the Weather Channel with the volume cranked up.

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I used to always look forward to the company Christmas party. Even when I worked retail and the parties were only slightly better than a one year old’s birthday party (we actually had a magician once) and generally we had the party in February (December is the busy time, then we had inventory in January) I still had fun. It was always an opportunity for free food and booze, and maybe a chance to win a prize. Last year I was sober and gluten-free, so it was free soda and salad, but I had a blast playing craps and I won a big ass TV. I always had a good time and looked forward to it. I’ll miss it this year. But I clean up nice if anyone is looking for a date to theirs. Assuming your company isn’t one of the many deciding to do without the annual Holiday party.

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People have been performing Shakespeare for something like 500 years (you’ll have to double-check my math). While it’s all pretty great material, there are only so many times in several centuries you can see it in the old timey classic Shakespeare costumes and shit. As such people are constantly trying to find new and interesting ways to approach the Bard. Usually it’s a pot riddled high school drama teacher, sometimes it’s a legit Hollywood director type person. And sometimes it’s people on the internet with free time, a bit of sadomasochism, and access to hot peppers.

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I played fantasy football for approximately 2 seasons. I was terrible at it. I just didn’t care enough. I couldn’t be bothered to keep track of player injuries or criminal activity, and usually stated someone who had a broken leg or felony charge. And not on purpose, but I ignored trade offers and was just an all-around terrible manager. Also, it was a work league so our trash talking was weak so as not to send someone to HR. Pretty terrible experience overall. A couple of years later I started watching The League. I realized fantasy football could be fun if I was in a league with my actual friends instead of a bunch of shit sippers. Then I read this interview and what I really need was just some quick-witted friends and reasonable excuse to get together once a week. It’s also helpful if one of them dressed like a collage made by a middle schooler.

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You may have noticed in that interview with cast and creators of The League how much of the show came from improvising. It’s a fine skill and one I have been attempting to hone. Here is the shameless plug part of the post. Over the past few months I have been taking improv classes. I am currently enrolled in level 3. Part of level 3 is to demonstrate what we have learned by performing in front of an actual audience. Supposedly it’s nice to have familiar faces in the audience, so despite my better judgement I am extending an invite to my loyal readers. It’s Monday, December 14 at 7:30 pm, at the Bovine Metropolis Theater in downtown Denver. It’s part of their Improv Hootenanny, and in addition to our class, you’ll get a few other teams, with more experience. The team Splash Zone I’ve seen a few times and have always enjoyed them. You can get tickets here, and I hope to see you there! This concludes the self-promotion. We’ll now return to your regularly scheduled Happy Friday, already in progress.

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The original lyrics were, “Cheese rules everything around me. C.R.E.A.M. Get the mozzarella! Gouda, gouda brie, y’all!

Didn't know you could slice a pizza with the Wu-Tang sword style, did ya?
Didn’t know you could slice a pizza with the Wu-Tang sword style, did ya?

Did I just write a Weird Al lyric?

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