How much?
Some.
I was boot shopping the other day when I found a nice pair I liked. Searched all the boxes and eventually found the one pair in my size. Victory, until I opened the box and found they were missing the shoe laces. What kind of low-life scum steals shoelaces from shoes in a box? No, wait, what kind of degenerate steals shoelaces, period? Bunch of savages in this town. This story does have a happy ending, as I brought the laceless shoes to the attention of an employee and they were able to find my size in the back. It’s not often a new pair of shoes comes with the accessory of confusion. But it’s the weekend now, and you don’t need laces to tie one on. So let’s give this week the boot with some fine internetting.
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I’m not ashamed to admit that I am fully on board the Golden State Warriors band-wagon. I mean I mostly still don’t care about basketball, and find it hard to watch a whole game, and I will always complain when the final 2 minutes takes three hours and the airing of the hockey match is delayed (ok, this happened one time and I was mildly inconvenienced but c’mon). But what the Warriors are doing is pretty spectacular. Kirk Goldsberry says they’re breaking the NBA with a combination of awesome defense and hitting three-pointers like they’re the first cup in that old Bozo the Clown game. I used this technique with the Charlotte Hornets in NBA Jam. I’d have Alonzo Mourning or Larry Johnson rocking the D, then get the ball to Muggsy Bogues and just let the threes rain down. I’m not saying the Warriors took their strategy from a 90’s video game, but I’m not saying they didn’t. My only real problem with the Warriors was that time they cut Mark Cooper.
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In a recent Happy Friday I mentioned the clerks as the comic book shop talking about movies like a couple of “Family Guy” characters. Without even thinking about it they brought me into the conversation. It created a more personal experience. This is one of the reasons I enjoy such a shop, well other than the fact that they have comics. So I can appreciate the heartbreak described here about the demise of the video store. Though that may be a bit hypocritical as I fully embraced Netflix, but in my meager defense, the mom and pop video store in my town was long gone before streaming services were a thing. Also, shut up. I don’t have to explain myself to you. You’re not my supervisor.
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Along with streaming movies, the internet has also become many people’s favorite place to shop. I myself buy far too many t-shirts, frankly I have a problem. Online shopping is such common place, but what do you suppose the first thing bought online was? Probably hookers, or coke, or a twelve sided die. The early users of the internet were degenerates and geeks. While not nearly as cool as those things, the first purchase did get a Police to show up at the purchaser’s home as the first ecommerce transaction was for a Sting CD. As it sounds like Sting didn’t get a piece of this sale, this was also apparently the birth of Napster.
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My first job was at a movie theater. Before I started it sounded like an awesome job. It was not. Except for that time when The Blair Witch Project was letting out and this other kid and I stood in the corner of the entry way, like the kid in the movie, and gave a slight scare to some of the movie goers. Oh and that time near the end of my time there when I started letting minors into R rated movies. Nothing like those last few days of a job when you stop giving a shit. Other than these times, mostly I was just selling giant tubs of popcorn at an inflated price. Never once did I give popcorn any kind of second thought. Years later I found myself questioning why we as a society feel the need to snack during the two hours of a movie. This basic answer to this is we like food, food taste good, to paraphrase The Descendents. So maybe a more intriguing question is why popcorn?
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Sometimes during a close game of sports the camera will cut to a shot of the crowd and there will be several people, or maybe just one, who appear to be making some kind pact with God to help their team do something swell to win the game. Ever wonder what those people are saying or if they make some kind of promise? Then wonder what would happen if they didn’t hold up their end of said promise? Yeah me neither. But my understanding of religion has me believing in a vengeful God, but also one with a bit of a sense of humor, so yeah, he’d probably cause a rain delay when you attempt to atone. Or you know, it’s all coincidence because God doesn’t give a shit about your stupid team.
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A sarcasm detector, that’s a real useful invention.
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Most of you know that I absolutely do not want to have kids. And while I have fun playing with and goofing around with my friends’ kids, I’m generally exhausted after a couple of hours and am ready to not be around kids. And I have that option. And it’s great. So a headline about Jim Gaffigan traveling with his five kids sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. Despite all the great things he says, and how it actually sounds like he and his wife are raising good children, I still read it as a warning and see it as birth control. To all the parents out there I will say this, you are much stronger than I am and god speed. But ultimately I think I’m smarter.
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You know what else bothers me about children? They watch Sesame Street and don’t get the parodies like Monster Piece Theater, Sherlock Hemlock, or Guy Smiley. Are any of those things still on Sesame Street? They should be. Well, if they’re not you can always watch these ten clips of America’s favorite game show host, Guy Smiley! If you watched those and thought, “Man, I wish I had more Muppet videos to watch.” Well, enthusiastic reader, may I recommend the Henson Rarities YouTube channel? I feel the title explains what it is, but for my slower audience members, it’s a nice collection of lesser known clips of Muppets doing Muppet things. It’s a treasure trove and now the first thing that pops up when I go to YouTube. Shocking, I know.
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I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving and that your pie was better than this
For All The Unheard 