Happy Friday # 1.17 Jazz Hand Turkey

I trained under Bob Fosse!
Tom Fosse. The Bob Fosse of birds.

I started addressing the envelopes for Christmas cards and surprised myself with how frequently I screwed up on the return address. I’ve been living here for like 8 years and addressing envelopes for like 27 years. I have no excuse. Sometimes my brain just stops working correctly. What’s awesome is it would probably go unnoticed but like someone with a poorly functioning brain I decided to point it out. Oh well. Maybe the cold-snap froze my synapses or something. I’ll use the weekend to warm them up. Now to start that fire how about some internet?


I think my job search may be over because NASA is looking to hire astronauts. I was honestly expecting my age or health issues to be a hindrance, but according to the video there’s no age requirement and my blood pressure meets the criteria. It’s actually my decision to get a bachelor’s degree in the wrong kind of science that’s holding me back. Maybe I could be a test subject in an experiment to see how space affects a wonky digestive tract. Again, wrong kind of science. It’s probably for the best, if I can’t get my earth address correct imagine what I would do if my residence was the International Space Station. Wait, can you send mail from the ISS? I would totally change my email signature to say, “Sent from the International Space Station.” I would be incredibly obnoxious as a space traveler. I might as well try, maybe I can get an official NASA rejection letter, that’d be cool.


One day in the work break room there was a science magazine, and this particular issue was dedicated to Einstein. So I took this magazine as I am deeply intrigued by his theory of relativity. I have read and watched a ton about it. Sometimes it causes me to think deeper and question more. But more often it leaves me confused as I realize just how much I don’t know and how less smart I actually am. Again I refer back to the return address issue. But yesterday I had the theory of relativity explained to me by a teenager and it never seemed so clear. For his video efforts the kid won $400,000 and he fully deserves it. You may have seen the video as it made its way around the Facebook, but as a fan of trying to learn about Einstein’s theories and this kid’s simplified explanation I feel a need to promote the video. Also, I’m kind of settling since the new Einstein sketch from W/Bob and David isn’t available for me to link to.


In several different classic Looney Tunes cartoons, someone will send an airplane, usually made of paper, filled with dry ice into a cloud to create rain to fall on their foe. By my calculations, that science checks out. Apparently this is something that is done in real life. Only with real planes, and to suppress hail, and to aid farmers. So just like the cartoons but the exact opposite. I generally don’t have a problem with airplane rides, and turbulence doesn’t bother me, except when it makes it hard to read, but holy shit does this sound absolutely terrifying. But also incredibly awesome! Just like being an astronaut.


Wow, lots of science going on this week. That’s awesome, but why don’t we take a little dance break. But if you really want to stay on the science tip, figure out the physics of the dance moves or something. Or just sit in awe. Whatever, I’m not your supervisor, do what you want, enjoy it how you will.


There are a few reasons why I don’t run. For one I live my life by hip-hop lyrics, specifically the Geto Boys’, “Real gangsta-ass n****s don’t run for shit because real gangsta-ass n****s can’t run fast.” As a side note I had no idea they had a video for this song. Another reason I don’t run is because I do not trust race coordinators and fear they would tack on another four miles to the half-marathon I’m running. Much like some jerks in Bangkok did. But hey, U-turns are tricky. Oddly enough, if I was in Bangkok I probably would be running a lot as I’m sure I’d be there with my friends and we would constantly be trying to hit each other in the nuts. Dude friends are the best!


When I read the title, “Greatest Billboard 200 Albums & Artists of All Time,” I was intrigued. I like music and I like lists, let’s look at this. Once I opened it I remembered Billboard is all about album sales and people like to buy music from the Beatles. As some of you know, and as some of you are about to learn, I really do not care for the Beatles. It’s overrated, drug influenced, pop bullshit and it makes me want to puke. Basically I added this link because I wanted a catalyst to reiterate my anti-Beatles stance. Though the people in the comments section yelling for a better ranking for Michael Jackson is amusing.


As someone who dislikes the Beatles I totally understand and never get angry at anyone for the music they dislike. I mean, I’m sure at some point, in a drunken state, I yelled at someone about The Clash or Jack White or something ridiculous. But overall if you don’t like some popular music I get it. However, if you can read this Chuck Klosterman interview with T Swift and still hate hate hate, you might be dead inside. Just look at her excitement when Timberlake calls. Oh spoiler alert, JT calls. I read this interview a week ago and her statement about appreciating happiness when it happens because it’s rare and fleeting and you’re not entitled to it has been tumbling around my head ever since. So when you have those moments of happiness, be sure to fully accept and embrace them.


When I was getting ready for work in the mornings I would have the TV on playing reruns of Married…With Children or The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and for a brief period Are We There Yet the TV series (Terry Crews FTW!) basically whatever TBS was airing. It wasn’t always that way. I used to carve out time to watch SportsCenter. Then slowly it would only be on so I could read the bottom line to find out if my team won. But now I get updates on my phone as soon as the game ends and seek highlights from the web when I’m killing time the next day. Specifically Stephen Curry clips on Deadspin. That site loves them some Curry, and rightfully so. Apparently this has become the S.O.P. for most people my age and younger. Smartphones and YouTube are killing ESPN, and they’re not doing themselves any favors with their buggy app. It’s just the latest example of the once innovative cable now becoming the aging dinosaur. Or maybe it’s my fault for not caring about the most popular teams, or the teams in the largest markets, or the east coast, all the things that help ESPN bring in viewers and thus advertising.


I want to start this off by saying I am a fan of Ronda Rousey. She is a beast in the Octagon with great skills and is a blast to watch. Now with that on the record, I’m excited she lost. It’ll only make her work harder and come back with a vengeance. But also it elevates Holly Holm and gets her name out there. Now people are able to name another female fighter and are becoming aware of how legitimate women fighters are. It’s another step, another stride in the advancement of gender equality and every step counts. One small step… see how I brought back to astronauts? I hope part of becoming an astronaut is talking about being and astronaut. Now I didn’t see the whole fight, only highlights, but holy hell Holly Holm looked awesome against Rousey. The UFC women’s division has the potential to be as great as the current WWE Diva’s division. We are indeed in a new age of women who can fight. A new age, like a space age. Seriously nailing that part of the astro-training.


Quick programming note. Because of the holiday there will be no Happy Friday next week. But hopefully it won’t matter as you’ll still be shaking off a food coma, or hungover or, god forbid, out shopping. I don’t know your life. But do whatever it is you do and embrace the happiness that comes with an extra day off. Happy Thanksgiving!


How about a terrible Laffy-Taffy style joke to go with the terrible tattoo?

What sound does a space turkey make?

Hubble, Hubble, Hubble

I gotta hand it to this guy, even if the tattoo is fowl.
I gotta hand it to this guy, even if the tattoo is fowl.

Everyone knows in space, no one can hear you gobble, gobble, gobble.

I’m totally gonna be an astronaut!


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