Happy Friday: Wild Horses

BroncosBrownsSN

On Tuesday I went downtown and joined the throngs of people gathered to cheer on the Broncos as they rolled down the street with the Vince Lombardi trophy. There’s a very delightful feeling in the air when your local team wins the Super Bowl. Despite the massive crowd, everybody was rather cordial with each other. Being united in orange works well for this town. I love and hate that it takes something as stupid as a team winning a game to make us better people. Not that I needed it, but it’s another reason to root for the Broncos. But now it’s the off-season so we’re back to using Fridays as our reason to celebrate and treat each other better.

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Because it’s the Super Bowl, and because the Broncos weren’t supposed to win, and because it’s Old Balls Manning, there has been plenty written about it this week. I don’t want to bog this down with a bunch more Super Bowl coverage that we’re all probably mostly sick of. But because it’s the Super Bowl, and the team I have rooted for my whole life won, I do feel obligated to add something. So I have opted to include this great sum up by my pal Jon of All Trades detailing just how great it is when your team wins. And because Aqib Talib (who I wanted to call Talib Kweli all season, just to get by) made me laugh a bunch in this interview.

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Before the force awoke, the top grossing movie last year was Jurassic World. Most likely because dinosaurs are dope. But were they ever dope enough to sustain their own family sitcom? One man attempted to answer this question with a marathon viewing of every episode of the TGIF show cleverly titled Dinosaurs. While he points out the mom dinosaur is voiced by Lucille Bluth he completely ignores that also makes her Malory fucking Archer. Basically Jessica Walter is always the best choice to play the mother. Which I think means we are due for a Dinosaurs crossover episode of Archer. They definitely missed an opportunity for Sterling to call Nikolai Jackov “not the mama.”

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Here’s your sweet comeuppance story of the week. Some pro-rape (yeah that’s a thing, and fucking terrible) assbag decided to cancel upcoming rallies when an all-female boxing team vowed to show up and straight dick-punch all the sacks of crap at these rallies. Now that’s how you take back the night. The Toronto Newsgirls are the official Unheard Heroes of the Week.

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This was my favorite post Super Bowl meme
This was my favorite post Super Bowl meme

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I inexplicably love this song. I want to start a hardcore punk band that plays covers of aggressive hip-hop jams like this one, “Mama Said Knock You Out,” something from the Wu and others to be determined later. Probably a DMX joint. But mostly this one.

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I was asking my grandmother about how she and my grandfather met, and what kept them together for so long. She told me it was their mutual love for salad. I said, “really?” and she said, “no!” with a repulsed look on her face then sent me to fetch a switch with which she could flog me. My grandma is brutal. But she has a valid point, a love for salad is not a good basis for a relationship, nor is bacon. Others would disagree and as such we have a bunch niche dating websites. I thought farmersmeet.com was bizarre enough, but apparently dating sites creation is just a giant game of one-ups-manship on the wacky.

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Animal sanctuaries are great for rescuing and rehabilitating animals. And there’s a group of animals that need rescuing more than others. Of course I’m talking about celebrity animals. But they can’t just go to basic sanctuaries with the common animal folk. Michael Jackson’s chimp, Bubbles can’t just kick it with some common street chimp, c’mon! But luckily there’s a place where Bubbles can spend his waning years with the dog from Frasier and that ape Jay and Silent Bob steal. But it turns out no one, not even other monkeys, want anything to do with bitch ass monkey who played Marcel on Friends.

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Albert Burneko might be my new favorite person. He was able to write over 8,700 word about a 6 minute cartoon that contains no dialogue. I never thought I could enjoy a cartoon analyst as much as the actual cartoon. Though the analyst makes the cartoon better and more enjoyable. I guess I’m caught in a Catch-22 here. I always enjoyed Wile E. Coyote cartoons, but never realized they were at the absolute height of comedy. If that wasn’t enough, the visceral hate Albert has for Tom and Jerry is just delightful.

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That was a nice long bit about jokes. So let’s follow it up with another long piece about jokes. The thing that everyone loves about jokes is talking about them and over analyzing them. So let’s do that with 100 of the most influential jokes of the last 100ish years in American pop-culture. There’s clips in this, so it’s definitely a great way to waste like an entire day. Seriously, don’t click it if you have shit to get done.

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And to close out super hero week

Winnie the DeadPOOHl.
Winnie the DeadPOOHl.

This mashup was only a matter of time with Marvel under the Disney umbrella.

Umm…actually. <pushes glasses up> Deadpool is considered an X-Men character and those character rights belong to Fox not Disney. So the mashup below would be more apt.

 I love this picture so very much
I love this picture so very much
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