Happy Friday: We Are Sex Bob-Omb

We're here to make jokes and get you ready for the weekend and stuff
We’re here to make jokes and get you ready for the weekend and stuff

I love to read or watch videos about conspiracy theories. I don’t buy into them, but I am always amused by the preposterous claims they make. So I had a blast this week with all of the talk about the earth being flat. I really don’t know which I liked better, the notion that all the nations are working together to keep this pointless secret, or the terrible diagram used to explain the seasons. Ikea picture directions are more comprehensible. It’s all fantastic in the worst way possible. Though it was hard to tear myself away from these nut-job ramblings, I did and I found the usual collection of web fun. So let’s put aside these fancifully ludicrous ideas and enjoy some sports talk, comedy talk, and more science I don’t understand but makes more sense than a non-spherical planet.

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The director of Catastrophe!, and the director I work with almost exclusively, (like I’m some big shot film maker) is looking into getting a drone for awesome aerial shots and upping the quality of his films. I was all for this idea until I learned about the next big thing in film making: the Toyota Prius back-up camera! The character and art of this movie better be amazing, because right now it appears to be 90 minutes of a woman running away from a car. Like if Peter Griffin remade Christine.

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I never had my wisdom teeth removed. Insert tired joke about being smart or something about retaining wisdom or whatever. They never caused a problem or seemed to be an issue so I’ve left them alone and missed on the wacky pain med induced conversations. Though there is a small gap that tiny pieces of food like to get lodged in and drive me nuts. As it turns out, it might actually be <looks around> wiser for not having the wisdom teeth removed. It’s all a ploy by big dentistry! Open your eyes, and close your mouths, SHEEPLE!

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Rah, ran, sis-boom-bah

It’s time to talk about sportsball!

It’s All-Star Weekend, what with the Pro Bowl and the NHL All-Star game both happening on Sunday. Not that anyone cares about the Pro Bowl and only slightly more care about the NHL All-Star game. I’m a huge hockey fan and I’m like, “meh.” But I have been following the John Scott story line. Quick recap is he’s been an enforcer in the league for years and has 11 points (6 goals) to his name. Not exactly All-Star material, especially in the 3 on 3 format they’re doing this year. But through fan voting, and to the dismay of NHL brass, he was selected to play. Then in what was most likely an attempt to keep him out of the ASG he was traded from Phoenix to Montreal, then sent to the minors. But after reading his take and his feelings, I’m more inclined to root for Scott. And good news, he will be playing in the ASG! I would wager next year we’ll see some changes to ASG voting. But for now, John Scott you shoot that puck up the pooper of the NHL folk trying to keep you down!

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A couple of years ago I was at the Denver St. Patrick’s Day parade when some chode wagon came up asked me. “Red Sox or Yankees?” I looked at him with a confused face before responding with, “Who gives a shit? This is Colorado.” Then drunkenly yell-chanted “RO-CKIES! RO-CKIES!” Until he shook his head and walked away. I felt good about it, but then started to think about what I should have said. And I wished it was this, “Who gives a shit? This is the National League! Where we understand the double switch and our pitchers aren’t afraid to bat, son!” That would have been much better. But alas that may not be true for much longer as the DH may go league wide. Just what baseball needed, more opportunities for aging, out of shape players who can’t run or throw anymore to be paid a ridiculous amount of money and deny drug allegations.

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Sorry, Paste Magazine, I gotta play the hipster card as I have heard of the Rickey. I heard of it seven years ago when the Cru Jones Society declared it their official drink of the 2009 Kentucky Derby watch party, and proceeded to include it at all summer functions. Also, Paste Magazine, before CJS, a little thing called Esquire magazine named it their official drink of the summer in 2008. But I’m sure no one else saw it. It’s not like Esquire has been around for 83 years, is available in 30 countries, or has its own cable station. But you go ahead and act like you’re first to the Rickey party. Condescending attitude aside, it is a delightful and refreshing cocktail and I, and the rest of Cru Jones Society, will happily drink one with you.

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There was also a time when Happy Friday was a staple of Cru Jones Society (also, here’s Amanda Beard) and E Dagger published a little something about the history of the medicine cabinet. And because everything old is new again here’s more on the medicine cabinet staple the Q-tip, or as E Dagger taught us, the Baby Gays. If you take anything away from this it should be to not stick Q-tips in your ear. But you’re probably going to because it feels pretty great.

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I have a friend who loves Ryan Adams, and because I’m a jerk I like to pretend I don’t know the difference between him and Bryan Adams. We’ve done this song and dance for years and she knows I’m a jerk. So when she posted on Facebook about being at the concert I did this shtick and her friend took the bait. I had a splendid afternoon running with it and just trolling the hell out of her. Surprised myself with just how many Bryan Adams song titles I know too. It has become so simple to troll people on internet comment sections. The real challenge is to do it when you send a letter or email to a newspaper advice columnist. Bonus points if you use a popular TV show and the columnist doesn’t pick up on it. Extra bonus points if the advice given is sound and exactly what Jerry should have done.

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I saved this for last as it is the best video I watched all week. How could it not be? It has Bill S. Preston, Esquire; Ted “Theodore” Logan; Ant Man; and Dr. Stephen Hawking. I’m not even going to pretend I understand quantum physics, and even with that short coming I found this absolutely awesome! Quit reading and watch it already.

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In honor of that most excellent video, I give you the Wyld Stallyns (in tattoo form)!

You opted for the cartoon version?
You opted for the cartoon version?

Enjoy the weekend and be excellent to each other.

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