Happy Friday # 1.15: Duck…Duck…

God Dammit! That's twice!
God Dammit! That’s twice!

Recently I was at a comic book store and despite quickly finding exactly what I went in for, I continued to aimlessly browse because I was enjoying listening to the clerks talk to each other. They were exactly like Chris Griffin and Carl talking about movies. It’s one of those moments from TV being played out in real life. On top of that they were talking about Tarantino movies. And just to add, I found a Milan Hejduk figure for five dollars. Comics, movie dorks, and hockey toys; if that trip to the comic book shop were a day, it would be a Friday. Since I can’t, or rather I won’t, share my comics, I will share some of the other things I have read this week.

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We often take for granted all the amazing things our mobile phones are capable of. Yet despite all their phenomenal cosmic powers they still lack the ability to look like a football. It’s actually kind of incredible they lack this function since there was a time, not too long ago, when a football shaped phone was all the rage. It was also a time when such an item was used to increase magazine sales. For all the young folk who read this, magazines are like a printed version of a website. The nineteen hundreds were a weird awesome time.

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Yo’ mama’s so caring she offers her motherly advice and services to young adults feeling lost in a new, big city. I don’t win many “yo mama” battles. In fact, I’m so bad at yo mama jokes … that I usually lose. Really just not good. I wonder if Nina Keneally would be able to offer her motherly help in slam jokes? Which would be a weird service, even weirder than what she is already offering. But probably equally as weird as the snuggle service offered by this other, uh, company(?). Basically if you can’t 3D print something, then you can probably order it from someone. The two thousands are an awesome weird time.

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There’s talk of using high-tech brooms in the sport of curling. I’m not totally sure what a high-tech broom is so I’m just assuming it’s a vacuum. If that’s the case then I too will stand with the pro-curlers who are against these new brooms. However, I withdraw my support if it involves the use Roombas. In fact, I fully support the Roomba Curling League and you should too! Kickstarter campaign coming soon! One day there will be an all Roomba Olympics and it will be glorious!

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Remember in grade school, or maybe middle school, some older kid would tell you drinking Mountain Dew would lower you sperm count? And you would believe this kid because he was older, and you didn’t really understand sperm count and how the human body worked. But also you didn’t care because you didn’t drink Mountain Dew because it was weird tasting, by weird tasting I mostly mean it didn’t taste like Dr Pepper. Well, there’s a chance that sperm count thing might be true, I don’t actually have research to back that up, but what I do have is people claiming nobody actually knows what Mountain Dew is. Obviously it’s soda, but beyond that you can really only describe it as vaguely citrus, unnatural in color, and much worse than crab juice. Even with so many strikes against it, it continues to increase in sales. We may be heading towards the future of Idiocracy. If that’s the case then I hope that sperm thing is true.

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Herbal Essence shampoo used to use a song by the punk band The Transplants. I always found this odd because the collective members of band had less hair than a newborn. Oh, and because the song had many drug references, and punks were usually shit on for “selling out.” I did later read an interview with Skinhead Rob of The Transplants and when asked about “selling out” he responded with, “Fuck you. You don’t have to pay my bills.” Fair point. It’s not like they set out to write a song they could sell to advertisers, like I said, there’s a myriad of drug references in the song. And, as it turns out, “selling out” in this way (commercials and movies) isn’t as easy as it might seem. It is effective though, as I can say I did buy that Charli XCX song after watching The Fault in Our Stars.

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The internet has an abundance of fan-fiction. While most of it is terrible, all of it is absurd. It can start out normal enough, but before long it turns into Gwar impregnating the dinosaurs from Barney. Not that I’ve read that one, or written it. It does, however, feel like the origin story to Finnish band Hevisaurus. They’re billed as a children’s act, but not speaking any Finnish I have no idea if that is true. No clue if they’re talking about caribou, scooters, or government corruption. But they’re dinosaurs playing metal so I fully recommend them to all my friends with kids. Worst case scenario is they learn some Finnish and can start yelling at Teemu Selänne. I would be a good parent.

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This week’s tattoo is just a fun mash-up. Possibly more of that fan-fiction stuff.

Where's the Bob's Burgers version of Laybrinth?!?
Where’s the Bob’s Burgers version of Labyrinth?!?
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