Happy Friday #1.5: Camp Letter Home Edition

Now we will share a lifetime of the fondest memories By the lakes of Anawanna
Now we will share a lifetime of the fondest memories
By the lakes of Anawanna

Another week has found its way to Friday. I hope your weekend is filled with fun and good times. I will be attending the adult Warped Tour known as Riot Fest to enjoy some punk rock, hip-hop, and that one song by System of the Down I like. But before I get to all that, there’s some internet that needs to be surfed, and you need to look busy while killing a few office hours. Together we overcome these obstacles. Now throw a brick, light the fuse, dodge a bullet, duck inside because I wanna riot!

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Remember on Home Improvement when Tim would talk to his neighbor, Wilson, and get advice that he would manage to bungle 5 minutes later like some former coke fiend, oh right. Well, it turns out that trope of being friends with your neighbor will one day soon be one of those weird things we see and be like, “did people actually do that?” We, as a country are interacting less with our neighbors than previous generations. I know if the jerks upstairs didn’t do laundry in the communal laundry hall way at one in the morning, I would probably never speak with them, so I think this study has some truth.

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HOLY SHIT! Have you guys seen the trailer for the up coming Deadpool movie? I honestly have not been this excited for a movie in years. I know my nerd boner is big part driving that excitement, but also this is just going to be a fun time at the cinema. Take a look for yourself and tell me you’re not wishing it was February already.

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Apparently you can be the fastest man on the earth but can’t escape a Segway making you look stupid. Very rarely do I appreciate the Orwellian world of cameras everywhere, but this Vine has me rethinking that stance.

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Bruce Springsteen is a musician I would never go out of my way to listen to, but at the same time I never hated his music. I always appreciated him as an artist, and I think I liked the concept of him more than his actual music. He influenced much of the working class punk rock I like, so there’s always that. However, I was absolutely intrigued by this piece looking at the significance of “Born To Run.” And of course there is always this Springsteen gem, and for that he will always be in the column of musicians I like.

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Ok, sorry. For real here is the Deadpool trailer.

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I’m not going to pretend that I understand all the highs and lows of raising a child. I don’t have kids and that’s on purpose. So when I see things like this I am amused. I can see the other side though, where people would get upset. But it’s not their child and the parents aren’t doing anything to harm the child, so chill out. Also, I would be thrilled if my mom had pictures like this. Then again I have a bit of weird sense of humor. But honestly, you probably shouldn’t flip the kid off, I mean it’s your own damn fault for procreating in the first place.

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If I could sum up my unemployment (thus far) in one sentence, it would be this: I was watching Blankman when I had an inkling to look up the history of inline skates on Wikipedia. When I was in high school I was a skateboarder (sorta). I had as much grace and balance as a sea cow, or rather a land cow in the sea. But the skateboarders were my crew and as such the inline skaters were the enemy. High school is stupid. But while reading this Wikipedia I realized that I still have some bias against inline skaters and found there to be many ridiculous things in this Wikipedia. Most notably the phrase, “artistic inline skating.” Which is basically roller disco on Rollerblades. Boy do I need to find a job.

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Fuck Captain Kirk. I don’t really watch Star Trek. Or more accurately, I have never seen a single movie, nor I have seen more than 3 episodes of TNG and like 2 of the original series. But reading how Kirk was the only Starfleet cadet to beat the Kobayashi Maru and did so by reprogramming the simulation is bullshit. That’s not beating it, that’s being a pussy who can’t handle real world consequences. That’s only going to fuck him, and the crew should they ever end up in a real situation, like one the simulation is meant to simulate. Sure, it shows thinking outside of the box, but still outside the box thinking has to be a legitimate option. If you travel back in time and alter the course of history in a way that prevents the Kobayashi Maru is also thinking outside the box, but it’s not feasible! If you come up against a similar situation in real life you’re not going to be able to reprogram the situation. Despite the anger I just showed, I actually like how this article demonstrates a way sci-fi movies can have real world applications. Finally a legitimate reason to watch such fun fare.

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I have been asked if when I go in for a haircut I just say, “Give me the Jason Statham.” I respond to that by saying, “Yes. When I walk into my own bathroom to cut my own hair, I look at myself in the mirror and say, ‘give me the Statham.’” I never respond because that would be crazy. Unfortunately, the haircut and first name are the only similarities the two of us share, at the moment. I am working on my own super-cut of every punch I have every thrown on film. Now that I think about it, I have never thrown a punch on film so my super-cut is done. You should just watch Statham’s.

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I know I already burned you twice (who does a Rick Roll in 2015?) and you have no reason to trust this, but you will be rewarded if you do, here is the real and actual red band trailer for Deadpool. I can’t express enough how excited I am for this movie. It looks like they have done right by the Merc with a Mouth, and that R-rating is awesome!

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The push-pop challenge has been thrown down!
The push-pop challenge has been thrown down!

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Today is my best friend Jon’s birthday. He’s off in Portland putting a bird on it, or trolling for dick, or seeing a Trailblazers game, whatever people do in Portland. I want to wish him a happy birthday and I offer these next few links specifically for him. While I’m out of work, all gifts will come in hyperlink form.

This first gift is about one of his favorite condiments. Apparently Heinz’s 57 ingredients have lowered the tomato content of its ketchup. I mean probably. I’m still sketchy on the science of ingredients. The tomato content is so low it cannot legally be called ketchup, at least by the Israeli FDA. Its new moniker will now be tomato seasoning. That’s as ridiculous sounding as artistic inline skating.

I hope that while he is in Portland, he finds some diner or bar with a proper jukebox and recreates the “prank” John Mulaney describes in one of the best stand up bits. Although, I don’t think it will have the same results as the hipsters of Portland probably enjoy Tom Jones in a unironic way, though it started out ironically, but time makes a fool of us all.

This week’s terrible tattoo is being omitted because I want to end with greatest thing the internet has ever produced. Ten years ago, when Jon and I shared an apartment, we would watch this flash video often. Some would say a little too often, but those people are no longer in our lives. It’s simple, to the point, and never not funny. Even as I pulled it up to add it here I found myself laughing like I have never seen it before. I can’t think of any better way to say happy birthday to one of my favorite people. Love ya, buddy!

Enjoy the weekend everybody!

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