When I started writing this article it was going to be a piece about the joys and boringness of spending 16 some hours by yourself in a car. But that mostly turned into a boring piece about how excited I was for a new playlist I made. I had hoped to gain insight and figure out a few things while I was so alone with my thoughts. As it turned out the best thought I had was about the word “dickwad” and that ended up sounding a lot like Louis C.K.’s bit about a bag of dicks. However, what these 16 hours did provide were idea seeds. Tiny little thoughts got planted and over the next month they bloomed into actual ideas and insights. The first one to bloom bright in my flower garden of insights was closure.
Recently I got drunk and texted a girl who broke my heart just a few short months prior. I know this was a bad idea, but drunk me and sober me have different criteria for what constitutes a bad idea. I was nice and polite and said nothing of a hurtful nature. I was looking for nothing more than closure. I said my peace then fell asleep. I forgot about this text until I was driving 8 long hours home the next day and received a reply back from said girl. Her reply was on the same cordial level as mine. I felt good about things and had new optimism for the next 6 hours. Though that optimism lasted only ten or so minutes because driving through southwestern Wyoming will suck all the will to live from you. All of it.
I’m not one who needs closure, but it can feel good. So I went about my life in high spirits feeling fully ready to move on, until a month later when out of the blue this chick sends me a text. It was nothing major or anything, but through years of over-analyzing everything my mind went into overdrive trying to decipher what this meant.
Once I finally concluded that it was nothing more than someone just being friendly I started feeling a bit pissed. I thought I had made it clear that I couldn’t and didn’t want to stay friends. Also, I become upset because I thought I had closure. I didn’t need the closure, but it was nice having it. I don’t need Facebook on my phone, but it’s nice having it there. That’s how I was living, and I was content.
Then suddenly I wasn’t. Things weren’t closed. But as I attempted to deal with this, and tried to get things closed I came to this epiphany: closure is not what life needs. You know what closure is in life? Death. Closure is just one less opportunity, and what’s the point of life if you’re limited in your opportunities? That’s semi-rhetorical, but if you have an answer I’d like to hear it.
So when I had this closure with this chick that was essentially implying that nothing was ever going to happen there. Now that’s not the case. I’m not some crazy, stupid asshole who fully believes that this means there is a shot, but that sliver does exist. I’m not going to pick at this sliver and hope it opens up, but it’s nice knowing that something can happen and open it up.
The final summation here is knowing what you can’t do or can’t have may feel like a burden off your shoulders, but it’s just one less possibility in your life. So I don’t seek closure anymore. I accept that nothing in life is permanent and I am open to whatever possibilities may come. Most importantly I hold on to hope.